Indian Parents in USA - IV

In India, both mom and the baby are not allowed to go out for the first couple of months. Mostly because elders in the house think that since the baby is too small, pollution may cause problems. So since the baby cannot go out mom is also struck with the baby. She cannot afford to leave the baby and go out for a long time because she is breast feeding. In US, I have seen couples going on vacations with days old babies. Ok, I agree that since there is not much pollution in US, it is OK to take the babies for some outing but still it is little dangerous. Their immune systems have not yet fully developed to handle some tough health problems. Breast feeding has always been a problem for moms. It's an incredible feeling which is hard to describe in words. Every mother wants to do it but it is some thing which needs privacy. I don't think any woman wants to do it in front of other people or if she feels someone is watching her. It is very very uncomfortable.Yes, many painters and sculpters have done magnificient art pieces showing a mother breast feeding a baby in a form of showing motherly love but still in practicle world it is not easy for a mother to do that in public. Why, if you have another elder kid, say for example 5 yr old in the household, you can still not breast feed your baby in front of your kid because kids ask so many difficult questions, I don't think which are in any way easy to answer. Where as in US, there are many products available which makes a mom's life easy like breast pumps. After you pump the milk, it can be easily stored and given to the bay when ever needed so that you have the freedom of doing other things. Mind you these are available in India too but not many want to try them and more over everybody will say, oh what great work she has to do other than attending to her baby?

More later...

Indian Parents in USA-III

Baby baths.. I don't think any where in the world the process could be more elaborate than in India, especially in south India. Because it is cold and chilly for most of the months in the northern states, I am suspecting that they give a quick bath with warm water. But it is not so in south India, first a massage with oil from head to toe. Then massage with some kind of home made powder with milk for softness of the skin and to remove excess body hair naturally. Then one more round with the ordinary baby soap. Everyday they give head bath but not with baby shampoo, no it is just not enough, there is some green powder stuff for the hair. Then this process of cleaning the tongue is done. I have never seen anywhere else, when I asked why should you do that, it was told to me that the baby drinks mothers milk so the tongue becomes white and it smells like milk, so it has to be cleaned and when done everday, the baby will talk much sooner. Can anybody tell me how much of this is true? From the first step itself, the baby starts crying and by the end of this bath, both mom and baby are tired. Since the baby had head bath, it is very important to dry the hair properly or else baby may catch a cold, so for this process they bring red hot coals and put another kind of powder which gives lot of smoke and this dries the hair and takes out all water content. Then you need to clean those little noses which will be stuffed because of lot of crying and can't forget the ears, they must be cleaned too. By this time the baby is half asleep because of exhaustion and some how this is a good sign.

While we are at baths, the some what similar procedure is done for the moms too. After giving birth for the first month it is compulsory to take such kind of baths.. head bath every other day is a must. Another important thing is to dry the hair properly or else baby might catch a cold. I don't know who found the concept but to take away moisture content from the ears, garlic is crushed and wraped in some cotton and then it is put in the ears!! Never mind about the smell but the burning is sometimes unbearable. Haven't anybody heard about Q-tips??

If you are thinking bathing is pain, then the food for the new mom is even worse. It is believed that after giving birth, the uterus and other parts of the body are 'raw', so to heal properly, you have to eat certain foods. And also to have good milk production there are some foods which help. The later part is some what true, garlic, fish, red meat and milk do help in producing more milk. But I have serious doubts about the first part. In previous generations medicine was not as advanced as it is today, hence many other ways and means were applied to do the job of healing. Now a days antibiotics are given to everybody to heal and prevent any kind of infection to every new mother, so I strongly feel there is no need for home made remedies of healing. In US after delivery, that is after 2-3 days, you can eat everything, but it is not so in India. There are many many things which are not allowed to eat. Some are not good for the mom and some are not good for the baby. Even some of the fruits are not allowed, eating citrus fruits can cause the baby to have cold. Most of the times when the baby is not well the first question which is asked is did the mom eat something bad which she is not supposed to eat?? The mom feels guilty.. I just could not control my temptation...

Indian Parents in USA-II

First week from the hospital is kind of bumpy but from then on it becomes a routine. For dads and moms it's a proud thing when ever they see their babies, yes this is our creation is what they feel. It's a good feeling except for the fact that, for dads, it's not a hi-fi electronic gismo gadget and for moms, it comes with lot of work, atleast for the first couple of years and for both of them it's a big big responsibility.

As I was telling, for dads, they tend to learn new things like changing dipers and all. They help their wives a lot with babies stuff. But for moms it's like heaven to give birth in US. The whole path is laid out for you and you just have to follow step by step, that's all it is to it. It's so easy to attend a baby here. In India, except for some super rich, nobody wants to use dipers even today. Not that they are not available and not that they cannot afford, they just don't want to. On top of it, elders feel the cloth dipers are much better, they say I did like this and so you do the same. Yeah spoil your clothes too with babies pee pees and boo boos. When it is so damn convenient then why not give a try? Yeah I understand the concerns about diper rash but there are other ways to avoid it too like probably applying baby oil around the place. I have seen many elders feeling as if moms are torturing their babies by putting a diper when they are in India. Didn't you face one of them when you visited? Here in US, there is nothing more to think about it. You have to put a diper because of the carpets in the apartments or else there is pee pees and boo boos all over the place.

Another big issue is about breast feeding. Every well educated woman knows that breast feeding is very important for a new born. But she also knows that after 6-8 months of breast feeding, the milk is no longer useful for the baby. But here also, your moms and aunts would say, Oh you have to feed till the baby is atleast one year old. It is already difficult enough that babies these are very very intelligent, more intelligent than you were when you were at that age. They don't want to switch to bottle that easily and if you feed them too long the transition will become all the more difficult. Now many of us would have faced or would have been facing this situation if we were in India. But here you have the freedom to do what you want to do. I always feel you need to put your knowledge to good use in your life or your education is a waste. The variety of formulas available here in the market is phenomenal. And the ease at which you can feed your baby when you are on the go is excellent. All you need is some hot water and little formula and your baby is happy and so are you. The baby foods are so good too. You get to know what your baby is eating, how much of fiber, what vitamins and minerals are going into that tummy. I mean what else is much easier than that? If you feel your baby is constipated, you just have to see which bottle is having more fiber and feed that, how cool is that?

Indian Parents in USA-I

Mom delivered a healthy baby, dad is thrilled about it. He calls up all his friends and family in India and lets them know the good news. But does he have any clue what lies ahead? Mom is also so happy to have the baby in her hands, she forgets everything until she gets back home. Once home, they have to battle with sleepless nights and the added chores of the new baby. Dad is forced to learn diper changing, handling a fussy baby and bottle warming. Indian dads if they had a baby in India, would have never thought of doing these things. The role of a father in a kid's life in India, would not start until the kid starts going to school. But in US, it starts pretty early. The first time their baby has a cold, they are scared, the baby is constantly crying, not able to breath properly and is not sleeping at nights. They rush to hospitals for all small problems. Then one of their friends tells them to buy a book on ' What to expect in the first Year'. Now, when you tell this to your mom in India, what would she say? Oh great! so they raise kids by reading books in America? Yes, they do, because there is nobody else to turn to. And even if they are they don't trust each other because everybody is as inexperienced as you are. As I said before medical system is very complicated here in US, your baby is burning up with high fever and you call for an appointment. They ask you what the problem is and they say, ok it's just fever so go and buy some tylenol and follow the instructions at the back and if the fever does not come down after 2 days then call us back. After 2 days things get even worse and then they react and give an appointment. After seeing everything the doctor feels that until you give an antibiotic, things won't be better so he suggests some. I mean why don't they give appointments earlier and give the right medication in the first place, I don't understand.The baby starts to grow up and as the months go by, you will get used to the medical system and to get an appointment you will say that you kid has 104 fever when there is only 100, it is all part of the game.

Most Indian couples are petite, I mean we don't look like big and tall American people because our build is petite. And so you will have petite babies and the babies don't seem to be as chubby and cute like American babies, it's a fact. But because we are staying here and we ate good fatty and healthy foods during pregnancy doesn't mean that we can have big babies. But we Indians try to compare our kids with American kids all the time. I wish mine was as chubby as yours is what most Indian moms say but it's not possible, it's your genes, it's your color of the skin, how can you have a baby without those characters. You know, there's a joke I can't help but remember at this moment. When I was pregnant, my mom gave me these beautiful posters of babies and asked me to keep them in my room and look at them. She said if I looked at them all the time then I would have a baby just like the babies in the poster. When I delivered, my son looked more like his dad. My mom imediately said, 'I asked you to see those posters and you never did, you always saw your husband and so the baby looks like him'. When I said this to my husband, he said 'if that was the case I would have asked you to see some good movie star's face. If he is born to us he will look like us'.

Indian Parents in USA

"Parenting" which was a natural phenomenon for previous generations of our parents or their parents or their parents is and has become a big nightmare for us, who are staying in USA or other countries, away from our own parents.

Planning for kids is a new concept. Most of our parents or their parents before never had any awareness about planning for kids. They just had them thinking it was the way of God's blessing. Ofcourse that's why our Indian population is so high but that's a different story. But were as we, who are well educated and can think beyond the thought that God gives us kids, do understand the importance of planning or do we? How can any couple decide when is the ideal time to have kids? When you are not in India, life is damn busy. It is very fast paced, your energy is diverted to so many different things. If both husband and wife are working, then it is even worse. Office, friends and then your personal petty jobs and giving time for each other, where do you have time for anything else. Hence, 2-3 years back, when the economy of US was bad and when everybody was loosing jobs, some women thought, Ok my husband is having a job and I got laid off, anyway I am sitting at home so why not have a kid!! Ok it's none of my business when they have kids but the reason seemed little odd for me. It's like I have spare time so let me just do some laundry.

Turning a mom or dad is a beautiful experience, no dictionary or internet can ever give the true meaning of it. But with busy lives, the reasons or the circumstances which pushes towards it itself is making it a casual thing, which is very sad. I mean, one of the major points in your life and it is going with out your own acknowledgement is a pity.

Indian husbands, born and bought up in India have little to nil knowledge about pregnancy and things. Many think having kids itself is pain in USA. Without them life is smooth, it's just the two of you. No need to get up early in the morning, no compulsion for making breakfast, no thinking of education system and most of all no responsibility. Now which male would not opt for "no responsibility" option? Ok, somehow both of you convinced each other that you need to have kids at this moment of your life.

Now the story starts, the moment you conceive and after the initial excitement subsides, the trouble starts. You can't help but think, Ok it's just the two of us here and this is our first time, we don't have any idea how things are going to be at the delivery. You go and buy your first book on the big subject 'What to expect when your are expecting'. With your morning sickness getting worse for the first trimester and these tensions in mind, you make hundreds of frantic phone calls to India asking about various things. Your parents, who are happy that they are becoming grand parents also feel helpless that they are not able to do anything being so far away. Your doctor suggests prenatal tables and you go for your first ultra sound test. The sound of your baby's heart beat brings joy and tears but you miss your mom too. So you send required papers for your parents VISA processing. Getting a date with the consulate has become a big issue these days. You need to plan months before and you are at their mercy. Here you build so many hopes that you will have somebody to help you through this difficult time and if they don't get a VISA then you are very dissappointed and upset. As feared, your parents did not get a VISA and you both are on your own. The pressure on you is more now than ever before that you need to take care of yourselves and the baby too. It is now that many couples get back together after initial fightings like it was you who wanted a baby not me or I didn't think it would be so tough and all that. Both of them start going to Lamaz classes, which is very tough for many Indian males. They consult their friends about how things went for them and try to learn from their experiences.

Finally it is time for the baby to come into the world. Both of you are damn scared but try to be brave for each other. Medical system in USA is total comedy. In India if you go to a doctor for some problem, they check you up, do some tests and tell you you have so and so problem just take this medication and you will be alright. It is not like that here, you are lying on that bed have horrible labor pains and they come and ask you do you need epidural or do you need so and so tablet. Who is the world knows what that tablet will do to you? I understand that they are being careful on their part but when you are in such pain and agony can you make the right choice? Half knowingly you have your medication and those Lamaz classes pay off because you are doing your breathing right. But unlike most American husbands who want to be with their wives during the delivery most Indian husbands are scared to go through that because it is not normal in India. The rest of the delivery is done mostly by the mom herself with the help of the doctors.